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 Post subject: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 1:39 pm 
AbeZ Apostle
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Post your crazy bible quotes!
Crazy quotes from other holy books are also accepted :mrgreen:
I'll start.

2 Kings 6:29
So we cooked my son and ate him.


LOL, OMG I love that one so much! Cannibalism in the bible! :lol:
Now you post one!

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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 1:49 pm 
AbeZ Apostle
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OK, I got another one!

Deuteronomy 23:1
No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.


hmm... does that cover vasectomy? Or what if u lose one testicle? NO CHURCH FOR YOU! :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 1:59 pm 
AbeZ Apostle
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OK, last one for now :D

Ezekiel 16:17
You also took the fine jewelry I gave you,
the jewelry made of my gold and silver,
and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.


Did someone make a dildo in the bible? :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 4:00 pm 
Heart on for IceFlims

Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2009 1:01 pm
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I think all religion is bullshit,the things in the Koran that promote terrorism is crazy to me...

most of any bible will have nonsense written in it.

"Slay them wherever you find them...Idolatry is worse than carnage...Fight against them until idolatry is no more and God's religion reigns supreme." (Surah 2:190-)

"Fighting is obligatory for you, much as you dislike it." (Surah 2:216)

"Men are tempted [in this life] by the lure of women...far better is the return of God. Say: 'Shall I tell you of better things than these, with which the righteous shall be rewarded by their Lord? Theirs shall be gardens watered by running streams, where they shall dwell for ever: wives of perfect chastity..." (Surah 3:14, 15)

"Believers, do not make friends with any but your own people...They desire nothing but your ruin....You believe in the entire Book...When they meet you they say: 'We, too, are believers.' But when alone, they bite their finger-tips with rage." (Surah 3:118, 119)

"If you should die or be slain in the cause of God, His forgiveness and His mercy would surely be better than all the riches..." (Surah 3:156-)

"If you wish to replace a wife with another, do not take from her the dowry you have given her..." (Surah 4:20)

"Forbidden to you are...married women, except those you own as slaves." (Surah 4:20-, 24-)

"Believers, do not approach your prayers when you are drunk, but wait till you can grasp the meaning of your words..." (Surah 4:43)

"Seek out your enemies relentlessly." (Surah 4:103-)

"Try as you may, you cannot treat all your wives impartially." (Surah 4:126-)

"The Jews and Christians say: 'We are the children of God and His loved ones.' Say: 'Why then does He punish you for your sins?" (Surah 5:18)

"Believers, take neither Jews nor Christians for your friends." (Surah 5:51)

"The God will say: 'Jesus, son of Mary, did you ever say to mankind 'Worship me and my mother as gods besides God?' 'Glory to You, 'he will answer, 'how could I ever say that to which I have no right?" (Surah 5:114-)

"Believers, when you encounter the infidels on the march, do not turn your backs to them in flight. If anyone on that day turns his back to them, except it be for tactical reasons...he shall incur the wrath of God and Hell shall be his home..." (Surah 8:12-)

"Make war on them until idolatry shall cease and God's religion shall reign supreme." (Surah 8:36-)

"If you fear treachery from any of your allies, you may fairly retaliate by breaking off your treaty with them." (Surah 8:51-)

"...make war on the leaders of unbelief...Make war on them: God will chastise them at your hands and humble them. He will grant you victory over them..." (Surah 9:12-)

"It ill becomes the idolaters [non-Muslims] to visit the mosques of God..." (Surah 9:17)

"Fight against such as those to whom the Scriptures were given [Jews and Christians]...until they pay tribute out of hand and are utterly subdued." (Surah 9:27-)

"It is He who has sent forth His apostle with guidance and the true Faith [Islam] to make it triumphant over all religions, however much the idolaters [non-Muslims] may dislike it." (Surah 9:31-)

"If you do not fight, He will punish you sternly, and replace you by other men." (Surah 9:37-)

"Prophet make war on the unbelievers and the hypocrites and deal rigorously with them. Hell shall be their home." (Surah 9:73)

"Believers, make war on the infidels who dwell around you. Deal firmly with them." (Surah 9:121-)

"Say: 'Praise be to God who has never begotten a son; who has no partner in His Kingdom..." (Surah 17:111)

"Fight for the cause of God with the devotion due to Him...He has given you the name of Muslims..." (Surah 22:78-)

"Blessed are the believers...who restrain their carnal desires (except with their wives and slave-girls, for these are lawful to them)...These are the heirs of Paradise..." (Surah 23:1-5-)

"You shall not force your slave-girls into prostitution in order that you make money, if they wish to preserve their chastity." (Surah 24:33-)

"As for the faithful who do good works and believe what is revealed to Muhammad...He will forgive them their sins..." (Surah 47:1)

"Muhammad is God's apostle. Those who follow him are ruthless to the unbelievers but merciful to one another." (Surah 48:29)

"Shall the reward of goodness be anything but good?...Dark-eyed virgins sheltered in their tents...They shall recline on green cushions and fine carpets...Blessed be the name of your Lord..." (Surah 55:52-66-)
Abe wrote:
Deuteronomy 23:1
No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

awe what?...

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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 8:12 pm 
Heart on for IceFlims

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lol Abe. You know I have to jump in on this one.

Genesis 19:8 - "Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof."

This is when Lot (who God chooses to save lol) offers up his daughters to be gangraped in the place of some angels that were visiting.

Judges 19:24-29 "Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing. But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go. Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man's house where her lord was, till it was light. And her lord rose up in the morning, and opened the doors of the house, and went out to go his way: and behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold. And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place. And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel."

Numbers 31:17
(Moses) "Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every women that hath known man by lying with him."

Joshua 6:21-24 "With their swords they killed everyone in the city, men, women, young and old. They also killed the cattle, sheep and donkeys. ... And they burnt the city with fire, and all that was therein: only the silver, and the gold, and the vessels of brass and of iron, they put into the treasury of the house of the Lord."

1 Sam.15:2-3 This is what the LORD Almighty says: "I have decided to settle accounts with the nation of Amalek for opposing Israel when they came from Egypt. Now go and completely destroy the entire Amalekite nation--men, women, children, babies, cattle, sheep, camels, and donkeys."

I do not understand how any sane person can believe that these verses can exist in a book supposedly inspired by God.

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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 4:36 am 
AbeZ Apostle
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Yes, the murdering and raping verses are quite crazy, sir.
I was kinda hoping people would treat this thread like a game and post one verse at a time, but I guess I didn't make that clear.

2 Kings 2:23-24
As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and mocked him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled 42 of the youths.


Hahaha! Dude was getting made fun of for being bald, so God sent bears to kill children. Makes perfect sense. Let that be a lesson. :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 8:18 am 
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A favorite:

Deuteronomy 25:5-10

If brothers are living together and one of them dies without a son, his widow must not marry outside the family. Her husband's brother shall take her and marry her and fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to her. The first son she bears shall carry on the name of the dead brother so that his name will not be blotted out from Israel. However, if a man does not want to marry his brother's wife, she shall go to the elders at the town gate and say, "My husband's brother refuses to carry on his brother's name in Israel. He will not fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to me." Then the elders of his town shall summon him and talk to him. If he persists in saying, "I do not want to marry her," his brother's widow shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face and say, "This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother's family line." That man's line shall be known in Israel as The Family of the Unsandaled.

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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 3:37 am 
AbeZ Apostle
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Hmm, sounds like a fair law. "You're from the Family of the Unsandaled!?! I'M from the Family of the Unsandaled!!!"

The very next verse is even better!

Deuteronomy 25:11-12
If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.


"Thanks for saving my life honey, now lets cut that hand off." What an odd rule. Does this sort of thing happen often? Why this rule, but no rule against pedophilia, rape, or slavery?

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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 5:42 am 
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But the most outrageous is that the Bible imply that God is a Pedophile himself!

Numbers 31: 25-40


25. And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

26. Take the sum of the prey that was taken, both of man and of beast, thou, and Eleazar the priest, and the chief fathers of the congregation:

27. And divide the prey into two parts; between them that took the war upon them, who went out to battle, and between all the congregation:

28. And levy a tribute unto the LORD of the men of war which went out to battle: one soul of five hundred, both of the persons,(including the little girls) and of the beeves, and of the asses, and of the sheep:

29. Take it of their half, and give it unto Eleazar the priest, for an heave offering of the LORD.

30. And of the children of Israel's half, thou shalt take one portion of fifty, of the persons(including the little girls), of the beeves, of the asses, and of the flocks, of all manner of beasts, and give them unto the Levites, which keep the charge of the tabernacle of the LORD.

31. And Moses and Eleazar the priest did as the LORD commanded Moses.

32. And the booty, being the rest of the prey which the men of war had caught, was six hundred thousand and seventy thousand and five thousand sheep,

33. And threescore and twelve thousand beeves,

34. And threescore and one thousand asses,

35. And thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him.

36. And the half, which was the portion of them that went out to war, was in number three hundred thousand and seven and thirty thousand and five hundred sheep:

37. And the LORD'S tribute of the sheep was six hundred and threescore and fifteen.

38. And the beeves were thirty and six thousand; of which the LORD'S tribute was threescore and twelve.

39. And the asses were thirty thousand and five hundred; of which the LORD'S tribute was threescore and one.

40. And the persons(including little girls) were sixteen thousand; of which the LORD'S tribute was thirty and two persons.(preteen girls)




In the verse 35 we are told that Jews caught as booty 32.000 preteen girls for themselves.

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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 10:29 am 
Oh my Santa!

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Someday I'm gonna get around to looking all these up in my bible (or online)


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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 1:02 pm 
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three5andeight wrote:
Someday I'm gonna get around to looking all these up in my bible (or online)



you need the original corrupted version (King James)






I don't think the book of Mormon counts either...

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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 1:20 pm 
Oh my Santa!

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Yeah, I have the King James version. That's what we use. And I can't look bible verses up in the Book of Mormon... they are two different things.


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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 1:25 pm 
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three5andeight wrote:
And I can't look bible verses up in the Book of Mormon... they are two different things.



oops...

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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 2:14 pm 
Heart on for IceFlims

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I guess you knew I'd bite eventually.

Firstly Id like to make a couple of points clear. I believe in freedom of speech and freedom of belief. I view ridiculing peoples beliefs as a form of peer pressure which is in opposition to freedom of speech and belief and in that sense akin to fascism where people are forced to conform to what is seen as the norm. I do not force my views on anyone and I respect the views of all I know.

Im going to present the other side to some of the scriptures which are being quoted without context and without any understanding of background information that sheds light on those passages. Its very easy to pick things out at random that you don't understand and then laugh at the whole funnyness of it.

But anyway just to balance things out a little:

2 Kings 6:29
So we cooked my son and ate him.


This passage is reporting an event in history, not suggesting something that we should all do. The event is a serious famine in Samaria where people where so desperate for food that they ate their own babies. A similar situation is also reported by the historian Josephus when Jerusalem was under siege by the Romans. There too Mothers where reported eating their own children. Possibly that had already died but who knows.

Deuteronomy 23:1
No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.

hmm... does that cover vasectomy? Or what if u lose one testicle? NO HEAVEN FOR YOU!


Actually that verse says nothing of Heaven at all. People that where in some way "mutilated" where not permitted into the Temple. Although this was meant literally back then but it also by principle this extends to the giving your best to God. Jesus death put an end to the Mosaic law so these laws no longer apply literally but the principles are still important. For instance this would be a principal to keep in mind if one is considering being sterilized.

Ezekiel 16:17
You also took the fine jewelry I gave you,
the jewelry made of my gold and silver,
and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.

Did someone make a dildo in the bible?


No. Committing idolatry was akin to committing prostitution or fornication with false Gods. There are many verses in the bible where the two terms are used interchangably.

Thought Processes Scriptures

I wont repeat them as they basically all revolve around inhuman acts being permitted. I can understand issues with the seeming barbarism in the old testament. But bear in mind that this is set in a time when nations where extremely barbaric. The Jewish nation was really quite civil in comparison to nations like the Assyrians who where permitted by law to cut off the noses of their wives if they displeased them. For example. The nations that Israel where commanded to destroy where nations that where judged by God to be worthy of destruction. Also Israel where only successful when they followed the instructions. For instance sometimes they where permitted to take the spoils other times they where instructed to leave everything.

Regarding the incident with Lot offering his daughters so that the visiting Angels wouldnt be raped. Lot appreciated that the visitors where from God and so therefore could under no circumstance be allowed to be raped by the townsfolk. So he offered his daughters instead (which it should be pointed out was never allowed to happen as the Angles struck the townsfolk with blindness). Also we do not know what tone of voice Lot said this in. It is likely that he tried every other line of reasoning to put off the townsfolk. That offering his daughters was as a last resort.

2 Kings 2:23-24
As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and mocked him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled 42 of the youths.


Yeh OK seems a tad extreme. But remember that in Bible times a Youth could be anything up to 30 years old. These where possibly not cute little 5 year olds. These "young men" where disrespecting a Prophet and representative of God and by extension where disrespecting God. They where from a race of People that should have known better.

Datamite's verse

Not sure what the issue here is. The whole Brother in Law marriage thing or the Sandals.

OK the Unsandaled thing is a little amusing I guess. But heres some insight to Brother in Law marriage. Remember there was no welfare state at this time. Widows where among the most deprived citizens as they often had no work and therefore no income and no food. So by law Brothers in Law where to marry the widow so that the family name would continue and that the widow would be looked after financially. Also the fatherless boys would have a family to grow up in. There where other laws too that ensured that widows and fatherless children and poor people where looked after.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12
If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

"Thanks for saving my life honey, now lets cut that hand off." What an odd rule. Does this sort of thing happen often? Why this rule, but no rule against pedophilia, rape, or slavery?


I know it reads a little odd and surely rescuing your husband by grabbing his assailants testicles would likely not be a daily occurrence. But again this law illustrates a wider principle that of touching someones private parts. In other words respect for the marriage arrangement the proper place for sexual relations etc. Rules for pedophelia and rape are not necessary as they are covered by a law that requires sex to only take place between married couples and for a husband to have respect for his wife (eg during certain times of the month). There are numerous detailed laws regarding proper sexual conduct that its not really necessary to cover every tiny detail. Regarding slavery actually there are numerous strict laws around slavery. Yes slavery was allowed but it wasnt the kind as we know it. Slaves where paid workers but they had to remain in the employ of their masters for a set pre-agreed period. During that time they where to be treated fairly and paid for their work. A slave if he liked his owner could opt to become a lifelong slave whereupon his ear would be pierced with an awl to mark the fact that he was that persons property. This was a matter of choice.



In the verse 35 we are told that Jews caught as booty 32.000 preteen girls for themselves.


Where does it give their ages? It merely says that the girls had not had sex with a man. Bearing in mind that under Jewish law sex before marriage was punishable by death and bearing in mind that youths where anything up to 30 years old approximately. Also the fact that it was unusual to get married much before then it isnt very likely that these girls where pre teen. They where probably between the ages of 20-30.


But actually just to join in:

1 Kings 14:10 - for that reason here I am bringing calamity upon the house of Jer·o·bo′am, and I shall certainly cut off from Jer·o·bo′am anyone urinating against a wall, a helpless and worthless one in Israel; and I shall indeed make a clean sweep behind the house of Jer·o·bo′am, just as one clears away the dung until it is disposed of.

Its not the fact that there is anything sin worthy about urinating against a wall. Its that the expression refers to all males.

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 Post subject: Re: Crazy Bible Verses
PostPosted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 4:21 pm 
Oh my Santa!

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WTG databug! Awesome post. That's what I meant when I said I was going to get around to looking all these up at some point is cuz I was sure they were taken out of context in some way. So excellent job. I especially agree with this statement of yours:
Quote:
I view ridiculing peoples beliefs as a form of peer pressure which is in opposition to freedom of speech and belief and in that sense akin to fascism where people are forced to conform to what is seen as the norm.


Awesome job. I just wanted you to know that you are not the only person in this forum that feels this way! The norm on this forum seems to be Atheists and I agree that if it seems like we're not Atheist than we pretty much get ridiculed (not that this has happened to me personally, but I saw the other threads where it pretty much happened). We all boast about being open minded and accepting of others, but it really doesn't seem that way sometimes.


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